[NOTE: Here’s the line I liked. It’s from the point of view of Rory being treated the same way as Woods:
If a fans tell him, “Good luck,” and Rory responds, “Thank you,” let’s discuss it all day as if he donated a kidney to a complete stranger.
Well, I liked it, anyway…]
[Note: This article contains the best line I’ve ever written. The first to spot it will win a one-year subscription to this website. The second will get a two-year subscription.]
Tiger Woods, Just Do It (Go Away): USA Today recently reported: “Woods isn’t good for the game anymore.” Golf Channel is proving that point this week.
Golf Channel is unwatchable. They are saying of Woods yesterday, he “won the press conference.” He was bland and uninformative before the media. Just like he has been in every press conference since, “Hello, world.” Woods is a dull, boring guy. If that hurts your feelings, tough. I’m not going to deny reality to prop up your fairytale.
Case in point: A reporter asked Woods to walk through the 8-week process of getting ready to play at Augusta. Woods said, “I worked my ass off.” Then he said he worked from sunrise to sundown, and so on and so forth. But he never once said a word about what he actually did, which is what the reporter very precisely asked. Woods did not say if he worked on his full swing, chipping, stretching, strength conditioning, or what.
In other words, he gave a dullard’s boring answer. He said nothing. He completely avoided the question. Golf Channel declares “he won the media center.” If they consider that a win, were they expecting Woods to break down in tears?
Golf Channel spent so much time Monday and Tuesday gushing over Woods’s attitude and mood, I thought I was watching a Hallmark Channel movie.
Rory’s Trouble Holes: Here’s the link I mentioned yesterday. Chamblee did a great job with this piece. As you watch, think how interesting it would be to get Rory’s take on these holes. Then realize that the golf media didn’t ask Rory about these holes at all during his press conference, but instead asked Rory SIX questions about Tiger Woods.
Skinny Woods: Woods has become so thin that he was asked about his weight in his press conference yesterday. Let’s see: (1) rumors are rampant that Woods is serving a non-suspension suspension for PED usage; (2) Woods shows up looking like he’s lost 50 lbs; (3) Not one article has appeared linking the weight loss to the PED non-suspension suspension rumors. Not one.
Those Darn Kids: Tiger Woods loves his kids so much he can’t tear himself away from them to practice. His love for his kids — a very admirable thing, indeed — is keeping him from playing quality golf. But, hey, you have kids, there goes your golf game. Right? Well, hold on, how do you explain Jack Nicklaus having five kids, born when Jack was 21, 23, 25, 29, and 33, and playing his best golf when he had kids the very age Woods’s are now?
Geoff Shackelford’s Profiles in Courage: I hope everyone got a chance to read Shackelford’s wonderful report from Augusta for Golf Digest. It contains some of the best writing I’ve ever encountered. Forget JFK. Forget McCarthy, Munro, and Roth. Relish this:
AUGUSTA, Ga. — For a guy with the yips, Tiger Woods just announced to the world that he’s not afraid to show off his short game. Showing up at Augusta National’s tournament practice area around 3:40 ET, Woods briefly stopped to talk to Mike Weir about the Canadian’s elbow issues, them marched boldly to the short game practice area.
Announced to the world that he’s not afraid! Marched boldly! Wow! Good stuff! That paragraph brought a tingle to my spine and a tear to my eye. And Shackelford was just getting started. Here are more highlights:
- “Talk about a bold statement.”
- “If the range swagger was a statement, the body language on course all but spilled over the top.”
- “…patrons gasped at his sleek physique…”
- “…the downright jovial Woods…”
All aspiring writers should study this piece with the utmost attention.
Rosenberg Tosses His Hat Into the Ring: In the battle for Worse Writer, Biggest Tiger Apologist, Michael Rosenberg has tossed his hat into the ring. Exhibit A: this “poor ole Tiger” article:
But ask yourself: what would the reaction have been if Tiger had thrown a club in the water at Doral, as McIlroy did last month? Or if he had walked off the course at the Honda Classic citing tooth pain, as McIlroy did two years ago?…I’m not saying we should treat Rory like we treat Tiger. I’m saying we should treat Tiger more like we treat Rory.
Treat Tiger and Rory alike? Good idea. How about if Rory is found to have been visited fourteen times by convicted PED dispenser Anthony Galea — after Rory stating “four or more” — let’s all just pretend there’s nothing to it. Forty-nine visits from Mark Lindsay? Let’s look the other way.
Imagine if Rory were found to have told a woman this:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Let’s pretend that is perfectly acceptable behavior and talk about what a great family man and all-around great guy he is? If a fans tell him, “Good luck,” and Rory responds, “Thank you,” let’s discuss it all day as if he donated a kidney to a complete stranger.
Here’s what Rosenberg wrote:
But it sure was strange how Woods was vilified while other famous athletes get caught cheating on their wives and nobody seems to care.
Mr. Rosenberg, can you not comprehend the difference between “cheating on their wives” and “hold you down while I choke you and fuck that ass”? “Creepy” is the nicest thing you can say about the latter. “Psychotic” is more accurate. That you would equate choking and slapping women with an extramarital affair shows a basic dishonesty. (Or your own psychosis, I suppose.)
Or, hey, how about Rory falls to OWGR #104, let’s all keep calling him “the biggest story.”
Let’s end on a bright note: The economy must really be improving if Michael Rosenberg can keep a job as a golf writer.
Time to Clean House: Golf Journalism is not going to improve until all the old guys are replaced by young guys. The old guys fell in love with the Tiger Mythology — hook, line, and sinker — and have a strong emotional attachment to Woods. They see positive comments about other golfers as insults to Woods. I wouldn’t trust any golf writer over age 25.
No Par-3 Contest for Lanny: I’d sooner watch a WNBA preseason game.
Bipolar Golf Media: The golf media is in love with this “new Tiger” (you know, the one who is desperately trying to change his image from Wretched Asshole to “All-American Daddy-Pop Father of the Year” [to borrow Dan Jenkin’s phrase]). Once the media raved about his steely demeanor and his killer instinct and how he put his foot on other player’s throats. Now that Woods sucks at golf, we learn what’s important are his kids — you know, the kids he exposed to every venereal disease know to mankind (and some that aren’t).