There was plenty of golf media idiocy from Pinehurst yesterday. Let’s take a look (all conversations are paraphrases):
- Rich Lerner, who is very possibly a clinical imbecile, said Thursday evening, “Through day one, the Grand Slam story is still alive.” I laughed, thinking Lerner was waaaaay more optimistic about Bubba Watson’s after that 76 than I was. I looked up and Mickelson was on the screen. Does Lerner truly not know the difference between a Grand Slam and a Career Slam? I surmise he is intentionally lying because Grand Slam sounds so much “cooler.”
- Hannah Storm — “Phil Mickelson just teed off. He found the fairway on the par-5, then hit his second shot just short of the green, so he’s on course to make his par.” Of course, if you are just off the green on a par-5, you rather expect to do better than par the hole.
- Kelly Tilghman — “Even with Tiger Woods not in the field, we could still have an all-time finish.” Take note, Kelly: Woods hasn’t won a major in six years. Kelly Tilghman is a combination of “Weekend at Bernie’s” and “Groundhog Day,” propping up Woods day after day after day after…
- From the Bureau of Meaningless Stats, Kelly Tilghman contributes: “No player has ever won the Players, then the U.S. Open, so Kaymer is battling history in addition to the field.” That reminds me: I made history yesterday when I bought a hamburger at McDonald’s and got back 77 cents in change, then went to a gas station and received 45 cents in change. That’s the first time I’ve ever gotten back 45 cents in change for a petroleum purchase after receiving 77 cents in change for a meat product purchase. Amazing!
- A Golf Channel graphic showed in big bright letters, “Lowest Scores in U.S. Open.” Below that, in small, dim letters, “at Pinehurst #2.” Fits the media MO of painting everything as “making history.”
- Heard on ESPN: “That was a great chip. If you gave the average player 500 balls, he would not get one that close.” I’m an average player and if you gave me 500 balls, I’d hole eight or ten of them. Stop dumbing down our golf coverage. Pros don’t hit shots average golfers can’t hit; they score well because they seldom hit the crappy shots average golfers regularly hit.
- I’ve forgotten the participants, perhaps Chris Berman was one of them, but it went like this, “Spieth sounds like a 30-year-old.” “Or older.” “Yes, he is very mature.” I thought to myself, Well, Spieth sounds like a normal adult. Maybe the shock would be less if we had less air-headed announcers?
- An on-site reporter was almost orgasmic, breathlessly telling Phil Mickelson, after his round, that the New York Times had exonerated him of all wrong-doing in the insider trading investigation. Of course the Times piece references “shares,” not “options,” which is what Mickelson traded. As well, nothing has changed regarding the Dean Foods trades. The reporter — I wish I knew who it was — looked like a little kid telling his daddy he went to the bathroom all by himself. Mickelson all but rolled his eyes.
- [Strong Language Warning] Yesterday, Kyle Porter said Rickie Fowler wearing knickers in honor of Payne Stewart showed Fowler had a DGAF attitude. Not knowing what that acronym stood for, I looked it up. It means “don’t give a fuck.” (By the way, Porter’s usage doesn’t actually make sense, so it was completely gratuitous; Fowler was paying homage to Payne Stewart; how is that “don’t give a fuck”?) Also yesterday, Stephanie Wei put out a tweet saying the weather felt “f-bombing amazing.” Okay, guys, if you want to be an edgy, down-with-the-street, curse-word-slinging bad ass, don’t be afraid to write and say “fuck.” For example, when I was in grade school, we wrote “fuck” on the bathroom wall at school, not “fornicate.” Either have the conviction to say “fuck” or else use other, i.e., classier, verbiage. Your I-kind-of-said-‘fuck’ writing doesn’t make you look “edgy” or “cool” or whatever it is you seek. (Assuming you are not going for “junior high rebel.”) It makes you look concurrently classless and cowardly. (Can you imagine Hunter Thompson or Matt Taibbi writing “DGAF” or “f-bombing”?) Bottom line: If you want to say “fuck,” fucking say it! That said, using such language truly is the sign of a retarded vocabulary. (That’s a proper and inoffensive usage of “retarded,” by the way — even if you didn’t think so until I pointed it out.)
- And now for something completely different: I much prefer the regular PGA Tour leaderboard to the ones provided for majors, but the “player profiles” feature on this U.S. Open leaderboard is quite nice. You can conveniently pull up informative player profiles, which are very handy with so many amateurs and other new names in the field.